Resolved: That The Devil Does Not Exist, With Beelzebub Arguing The Negative

My worthy adversaries across the dais would have you believe

That, having fashioned mankind in His own image

And, what’s more, sacrificed His own son

For the sole purpose of its collective salvation,

Our Maker would, in effect, simply shrug his shoulders

And send it toddling off on its merry way.

Free to fall, those arguing the negative will tell you.

Ah, but there’s more than that– not only do they insist

That The Creator has for all intents and purposes abandoned us,

But has allowed an equally powerful and diametrically opposed force

To set up shop on his watch.  I would ask them—what drabble of Scripture,

What logical premise would you cite to support such madness?


But surely, my learned opponents would purr (every bit as sly

As devils themselves!)you would not deny the existence of evil in this world. 

Morons! Can it be possible that you are wholly ignorant of the work of Augustine? 

Tell me, after you finish your warm milk and button up your snuggly jammies,

Does the dark come out after you flick off the light switch,

Or is your grasp of physics and philosophy equally inadequate?


I suppose, in a last, desperate attempt to buttress their arguments,

The supporters of the opposite position will note

That my presence in this lecture hall

Is all that is necessary and sufficient for their argument to carry the day. 

I categorically deny the supposition! I do not exist, nor can I! 

Hang your forensic skills on that,

You bunch of fucking saintly dumbasses.


5 thoughts on “Resolved: That The Devil Does Not Exist, With Beelzebub Arguing The Negative

  1. Haha! Such a bold, brave debater and debunker – that’s me in the back of the auditorium, cheering you on till that last line, and me an inveterate atheist at that.
    This line is perfection: Does the dark come out after you flick off the light switch… Of course there is no place as dark as the human heart, doing fine at working the evil all on its own, and the only light switch is to be found in the same place. (That’s my 2 cents worth)

  2. Yes, some should hang their forensic skills~
    Yes, I wish more people would be authentic and not
    only shining in public view…I know many just like that…

  3. the milk and jammies just did me in. this is as scorching and scornful as a revival preacher’s sermon, except, you know, not as vapid! having been cast into the land of nod by my good christian relations, i find the new landscape a lot more interesting and varied.

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